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The Journey of a thousand miles
begins with the first step .......
Chapter 1
So why would I want to
start a singing career at this late stage
with no ideas as
to what the outcome might be?
Well, it began a long time ago, when I was 4 or 5. I
remember as a little girl standing out the back of our
little flat in Mayfield East, Newcastle singing to Abba and
pretending I was on stage with them and singing and dancing
just as well as they did.
My parents only ever used to listen to crazy 50’s music and
Country & Western on the Sunday 6pm till Midnight Show
on 2HD, so
Abba was a big deal to me. We used to hardly ever listen to
modern music.
I used to get teased all the way through Primary and High
School because I wasn’t up with what was in the charts and
we couldn’t afford for me to have my own stereo, besides my
Mum & Dad didn’t like me listening to the rowdy new music. I
used to feel so self-conscious and embarrassed at school. My
parents seemed like old fuddy-duddies.
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Chapter 2
She just wanted to
dance !
When I was between 5 & 8 I wanted to dance like nothing else
but there was no way my parents could afford for me to take
the lessons and really, their headspace wasn’t able to
comprehend the whole concept of singing for a career and
what would need to happen to get it all going.
A friend of
mine was slim and gorgeous and used to do ballet and I was
so jealous of the way that she was able to move. All my
moves seemed uncoordinated. I was so upset that I couldn’t
fit the hand-me-down tap shoes that came from another friend of
the family who was doing dance lessons, but I was absolutely
devastated when I couldn’t fit the second-hand black
leotards for a jazz ballet lesson that was free. I struggled
into those damned things and was going to do it if it was
the last thing I did. I went to two lessons and I was so
proud of myself for being able to “shimmy” when a lot of the
other kids struggled.
But it was not meant to be – our
family didn’t do things like that – it was against Mum’s
religion and I don’t think Mum & Dad’s money could
stretch that far. I squashed my longing into the back of the
cupboard along with the ill-fitting leotard and shoes.
But it didn’t stop me thinking that maybe, just maybe I
could do something …..
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Chapter 3
Piano lessons
I was given piano lessons from a really old, smelly woman
called Enid that was the girlfriend of the old man next
door, Burt, and it seemed like such a drag to go to her
house on my pushbike. I now know that the reason she smelt
was because she used to drink way too much booze.
She used
to play the organ at the local bowls club and did waltzes
and fox-trots and stuff and she wondered why I, as a 10 year
old, wasn’t much into it – she also used to get me to play
scales “because it is good for you”, but she was more
interested in demonstrating to me how she played the organ.
I was so bored with her and her music.
I used to hate the fact that Mum used to make me do my piano
practice on a rattley old piano while the local kids used to
ride their bikes outside the front gate until I had
finished.
Now don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind the rattley
old piano - I was grateful that I was learning to play (even
if it was only scales and waltzes), but what I hated was the
fact that all the kids heard all the mistakes I made.
When
I would finally go out after an hour they would tease me
mercilessly – we had a love/hate relationship - I was hardly
the popular kid so they loved to tease me and I learned to
hate practicing.
It got to the point that I gave up and used the “going into
high-school and won’t have much time to practice” excuse.
Mum & Dad bought it seeing they didn’t go to high school and
they wanted a better life for their daughter.
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Chapter 4
High School Musical
But that was not before our Year 6 class was invited to see
the high school musical, My Fair Lady. I remember being so
enthralled with the whole show and longed to be able to sing
and dance and play the role of Eliza Dolittle. To this day I
still love to sing “I could have danced all night” and can
envision myself spinning around and around and around.....
My two favourite movies when I was young was "Grease" and "The
Sound of Music". Like any other kid, I just wanted to be
Olivia Newton-John and I really, really, really wanted to be
able to sing like Julie Andrews.
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Chapter 5
Byron Bay
At 15 I left home to go live in Byron Bay with my Aunty
Win. My younger cousin Steven played piano and was doing
lessons with Mrs Mitchell, a lovely old lady that lived way out the back
of Mullumbimby.
Steven had a real gift and could play almost
anything by ear. My other cousin Russell was sort of
learning the guitar. Well, I took up piano again and
dabbled with the guitar too because it was fun to share the
music with others. I did very well with my one and
only
AMEB Grade 2
exam and got honors in my 2 theory
exams.
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Chapter 6
Family Harmony
My mother’s side of the family was an almost-always “Very
Strict” Seventh-Day Adventist (SDA) family and as such gospel
music was very much a part of their lives. Actually, when
my Mum was growing up, she, her 3 sisters and her mother
loved nothing better than
singing all together in the
kitchen as they were preparing Sabbath lunch – they had such
natural harmony ability and to see this when they were older
and for us kids to be a part of it was very special.
While my harmony
ability is still limited (mainly because I haven't focused
on it I guess), living with my aunt fostered my
love for music and allowed me the opportunity to improve my
piano skills even if I didn’t learn the free-style ability
of my cousin. I think that this is a skill that just comes
naturally – you either have it or you don’t. But I might be
wrong.
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Chapter 7
If you can't hack the
heat, get out of the kitchen ...
My aunt kept telling me that I was too competitive in my
music and she said that this imposed upon Steven playing the
piano. He subsequently gave up piano, picking up the guitar
instead and taking to it like a duck to water – it was a most ardent
and beautiful love affair.
As I have gotten older I have
tried to iron out some of the character flaws of my
personality and it was interesting to discover that really I
am not competitive - it is quite the opposite in fact.
Thinking back on it, I believe it was more to do with my lack
of self-esteem. I had an up-front facade which was
seen as precocious, but beneath it I just wanted to be as
good as everyone else and try as I might I never seemed to
measure up.
To this day I still strive to be the best that I can be,
sometimes I fall short and at other times I make it, but the
only way that I know to improve is to aim at being at
least as good as the standard around me. And believe
me, the standard was pretty high - or so I thought at the
time !! All I knew is that I just wanted to share the music
and get better at my craft.
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Chapter 8
Church Roots
Anyway, a little more history - our grandfather helped
build the SDA Church in Byron Bay in 1962 and during the mid
to late 1980’s his children and grandchildren still played
instruments and sang in this church even though there was
such a small congregation. Some of the happiest memories
came from singing and playing there.
I remember this fabulous woman called Pat Milgate that could make
the clunky old organ do things it wasn’t supposed to do.
Everyone loved it when Pat came to church – it meant that
the music was going to be lively and upbeat. What she could
do with Amazing Grace was truly amazing no less.
Several Christian singing groups also came to
visit the nearby SDA Church at Mullumbimby and my heart nearly
broke with longing to sing like them. I wanted it so much.
I knew that there was a big voice trapped inside of me and
for the life of me I couldn’t get it out. I tried and
tried. I couldn’t do it.
So, I covered that up by working
on my diction and pitch, setting a resolve that I would try
to make it so that people could understand ALL the words
that I sang and wouldn’t cringe because my notes were
wrong. I didn’t want people to criticize me anymore for
making mistakes.
I felt that I was alone on my own journey
and was very scared to share it with anyone anymore because
I wasn’t good enough. I just really wanted to sing and I
wanted many people to enjoy the music I made. Deep down I
knew I had potential.
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Chapter 9
Jealous Eyes
I got a real shock one day when some of the people that I
knew performed in a small singing group and toured around a
few local churches. I didn't even know that they could
sing like that.
I became so
jealous - I didn't want to be jealous and I tried not to be
because I was raised to believe that being jealous was a sin,
but I couldn't shake this deep longing to do what they were doing
- I just
didn’t have the strength of voice or character to do it. I
didn’t want to take it away from them, but I sure as hell wanted to join
them so much that it hurt.
Underneath I just simmered with desire to sing
like they did. I knew that with the right training somehow
the voice would come out and I could be good. I was so
frustrated because I didn’t know how to go about getting the
training - Who to ask without feeling stupid, desperate or
delusional ??? How to raise the money ???
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Chapter 10
High School Nightmares
I continued on, sang the church songs, played the
church piano and was involved with school stuff.
Like I said before, I wasn’t considered popular, not by any
stretch of the imagination,
and ever since I was very young I have never felt that I
"belonged" - it's as if no-one has really
understood me. I hung around with a few kids at school but
they were not what I would consider close friends.
Then the school production came around. I
hesitantly went to the auditions with a couple of kids that
I used to hang around with at school. The auditions were
held in closed rooms. I was so nervous.
It came as a huge surprise when some of these very same kids were
chosen to play instruments, dance and/or sing in the
production – I didn’t
have a clue that they were even into music, or if they were,
that they were that serious about it. I was not chosen and I
felt humiliated.
By this stage high school was nearly over (thank God) and so
we all went our separate ways.
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Chapter 11
Leaving the Nest
When I moved out of home I didn’t have a piano and so I
thought that I would try developing my singing ability. I
went for a couple of lessons with a woman in Brisbane and
she gave me a couple of exercises to do and I was so very
bored with doing those exercises because I didn’t have the
funds to go back to her to get some more and so I would just
use them over and over again.
It was during this period of time that I began to write more
poetry. I wrote a special poem about how I felt about
my piano (and many years later this was published in a
lovely book of poems – it didn’t win any awards, but I was
pleased to have it nicely bound as a legacy to my
daughters). The poems spoke of the love
in my life, then the lack of love in my life, and then the
love in my life etc - You know how it goes as one progresses
though their teens??
And then I got married....
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Chapter 12
Becoming a woman
He was an interesting person that, to me, seemed like he
lived on the very edge of life. With him being 11 years
older than me and my being only 20 and having lived a
sheltered life, he actually scared me quite a lot, although
he would never have known.
He and I were so very different,
but he loved me and I loved him, and together we made music
and 3 beautiful girls. He took up the guitar again in our
early life together, having laid it down for many, many
years.
We travelled around in our bus with our first daughter,
picking fruit, playing folk music that I had never heard
before (but thoroughly enjoyed) and lots of
country music. He was so proud of my singing and musical
ability and he took many opportunities to show me off to
everyone he knew and to a lot of people that he didn’t know
too, most often around the campfire.
I think that he must have held mixed feelings somewhere deep
down because as time went on and we would sing and play, as
people would comment to him about my singing, his animosity
mounted and so for the sake of peace I lay down my music - it was
easier that way.
Our love was not destined to last, but we enjoyed
it while we had the chance.
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Chapter 13
On the road again
After our separation and subsequent divorce I moved to Port
Macquarie and bought myself my very own piano.
I spent many
hours and weeks and months writing and composing and this
was “therapy” for me. Every time I would do the ironing I
would have material come to me and so my ironing would
sometimes take days to finish – at this very minute I have a
rack full of ironing waiting for me, and a shirt is sitting
on the ironing board. I just had to get this down while it
was coming to me fresh and free.
That’s the secret - you
have to be able to catch whatever comes, when it comes, or
you have lost it, never to return.
Anyway, I wrote about 14 songs during this period of time, produced
them myself and put most of them onto a CD called “From the
Heart”. I gave a lot of them away, but some people insisted
that they pay me.
To be honest, it would sometimes embarrass me
to accept money for the CD as I knew that the work was far
from complete. However, the people insisted and so I gave
it with apology - they smiled and said thanks, and at later dates
have sent emails telling me how much they really
enjoyed the music and letting me know that they were waiting for the next installment.
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Chapter 14
Can't shake this
feeling
Like I said before, for as long as I can remember I have felt that
my voice was
somehow stuck inside me - haven't we all had those feelings? Yet I couldn’t shake that deep down
feeling that at some point I would tap that core of talent
and it would burst open and I could
truly embrace being a singer working at my potential.
But I
also knew that when the time was right, the right person
would come along and would provide that piece of magic (beyond
singing lessons and technique) to make it strong and full just like I knew
it could be. I also knew that they would be able to "hear"
the music just like I could hear it.
It has been very frustrating to say the least because I knew
I couldn't tap that talent core on my own - I just couldn't
get it out because of my limited musical ability and I didn’t have money to
waste on music lessons with the wrong person - Funds have
always been tight, but more so now because I had been too
ill to work (see
At A Glance.).
But it wasn't just about the money. I wanted to share
my musical journey with someone else that could see the
same potential that I could see and not just see it because
I was paying them to see it - it had to be real, it had to
be genuine or else I was just kidding myself with
pipe-dreams and visions of grandeur.
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Chapter 15
The Why
You see, for me it's not about being a star - it's about
being relatable. It's more about that special feeling
when people like what you can do and you move them in some
indefinable way - sort of like when a person likes the
building that an architect designs, or when the culinary
delights of a chef stirs a person's creative juices.
It's not wrong, it's not ego - it's sharing the natural
gifts that you have with the world and if it makes you happy
then it makes those around you, in your immediate circle of
people, happy. But if it makes someone else happy that
doesn't know you, then that is so much the bonus and that is
more than money can buy and far too much of a loss to be
hidden away in case someone laughs at you or puts you down.
It's not egotism, it's just that sense of achievement and
satisfaction because you've touched someone's heart, mind
and soul in a way that they may not have been touched
before.
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Chapter 16
Embryonic Steps
Anyway, while living in Port Macquarie I was invited to
sing at several private functions and I made the acquaintance
of a dear gentleman by the name of Gordon. This amazing man
was in his seventies and so full of life that it would put
most young people to shame - he absolutely loved life ..... and
music.
Gordon was heavily involved with community radio and other
such things, and he
introduced me to the beautiful music of Eva Cassidy (that
woman provides such inspiration for me), and a wonderful old
singing teacher called Mrs White. This lady was truly
inspiring too – 85 and still teaching singing, piano and
violin at a professional and contemporary level.
My brother, Trevor, and I had introduced Gordon to the music of Tony
O’Connor and he loved it so much he penned some
lyrics to a piece of Tony’s music that he particularly
liked and asked if I would sing it for him at some stage –
“just to hear how it sounded”. Gordon believed in me and it
felt wonderful.
At the same time, some old friends of mine (actually, the
parents of my first true love in primary school) had
arranged for two of my songs to be played on a commercial
radio station north of Sydney in "Drive Time". I was
thrilled at the opportunity but worried because I knew that
my music wasn't completely up to scratch. On the
recorded playback I was surprised to hear the announcer
say that people should
be on the look-out for my name in the future.
Whether they could see
embryonic potential there or not, the fact that people
believed in me was very moving for me. That day I
resolved that I would work toward making all of my dear
friends and supporters proud no matter how long it took.
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Chapter 17
The Christmas Pageant
I had been working at a hair dressing salon for 18 months
or so and one Christmas the local Retirement Village decided
it was putting on a Christmas Pageant - the salon agreed to
participate in the event with some skits.
I thought it would be a great opportunity to give back to
Gordon a little of what he had given me and so I began practicing the song that
Gordon had written the words to. I, recorded it to a CD at my
home, and then sang it for him at the pageant. After the
show it was my greatest honor to present the CD to him – he
was so thrilled that he was able to witness his words being
sung in a live performance to over 300 people – even more
thrilled that he had a memento of the occasion. It felt so
good that what I had done meant so much to him - a small
token of my appreciation.
The residents, their families and members from the local
community absolutely loved my performance - I was still
receiving compliments some 3 and 4 weeks later from people
that didn’t even know me!! People would even leave messages
for me even when I wasn't in the salon. I was astounded.
I must make a
confession though, I didn’t realize at the time that I
needed to get the expressed permission of Tony O’Connor for
using his music so, I am sorry, I am unable to make it
available for you now as much as I would like to. Tony's
wife was most upset and it wasn't my intention to upset
anyone. I simply wanted to help make an old man happy.
Sincerest apologies if you read this Tony.....
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Chapter 18
Moving right along
.....
I moved to the Gold Coast in February of 2001 and my music
light dimmed - I think I only wrote a handful of melodies
between 2001 and 2006. I became so very busy with family
and other ventures that I had to put my music on hold.
Truth be told, over that extended period I lost a lot of
faith in myself and my music because I felt that I was
living in the past and on pipe-dreams and there was no-one
that I knew to share it with either. Gordon seemed so far
away.
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Chapter 19
But isn’t it funny how the universe works ……?
My eldest daughter was involved with a local amateur
theatre organization and she wanted to develop her voice.
She began singing lessons in February, 2005 with
David
Willis, a teacher recommended by the theatre.
David was a
very intuitive man and worked well with children as well as
adults. He taught Carli for 1 term (10 weeks) and I began lessons at
the same time. I could only afford to continue for 20 weeks and in
that time I spent more time talking philosophy of music and
life and somehow miraculously one day I was able to sing
with my vowels in place and my delivery in order.
Technique played a part, but belief in myself was developing
and I finally had some support that validated my ability. I had
found my special person – he could hear what I could hear
with my music, and beyond my lessons we developed a special
understanding around music.
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Chapter 20
Step by Step
But it still wasn’t going anywhere. Questions and
doubts arose - what direction did I want it all to go?
How was I going to do it? Why was it so
important? Yet I still couldn't shake the feeling that
it was what I was supposed to be doing. I was becoming more
and more frustrated ..... until I read a fabulous book by
T. Harv Eker.
“Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” - Now I have read
many books over the years but a great Chinese proverb is
“When the student is ready the teacher will appear.”
I
found this to be a most extraordinary book. It was so
engaging that I found that I couldn’t just read it once –
but that was ok because it is the sort of book that you can
read over and over again because it is so well written and
entertaining and unbelievably simple.
Believe me, this book
touches your heart, mind and soul and inspires you to think
differently – in all honesty, I wouldn’t be writing this bit
of history if it weren’t for this book. I worked through
the process about dealing with “doing all you can with what
you’ve got now’. Well, the key word was “doing” – action,
movement, progress.
It has taken me a month or so to get some of the planning
stuff sorted and the first steps out of the way but here I am, taking my singing to yet another level
and venturing off into unknown territory. You can keep up
to date with my progress by following along with my Journal
Entries.
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Chapter 21
Where to from here ???
Now my aim is to bring some peace, love, healing & happiness
to as many people as possible through knowing me and
experiencing my music. But to do this I need your
help.
It costs you nothing to help - though it would really
be appreciated if you could just
recommend your family, friends and associates to visit this
site.
It's up to them if they visit or not
and there is no pressure on anyone at all - Who knows, you
may inadvertently brighten up someone else's life.
Another way of helping is to join the
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